Extract from Magickal Journal, Jugorum work.
[…]Having these last entries in mind, I have come to the conclusion that I am not self-aware enough, and therefore will undertake work with Liber Jugorum, avoiding the words which mean “and”, since I am multilingual. I am using a very tight hair band with a metallic part, which should be good enough. I will be snapping it on myleft wrist, and (first snap duly noted), keeping to this work for a week.
To elaborate a bit, I seem to be able to avoid thinking the word, so I will undertake that work after I finish with not speaking, writing it for a week, also. In the meantime, I will keep to my daily XXV, CC, LXV readings (which I have to pick up again), finishing with Adorations to Nuit, which I will be improvising, hopefully finding one which resonates with me.
One snap, forgot myself while humming a song.
~five minutes later, again, in conversation
~10 minutes later, another slip. More caution is needed. For now, I can't stop thinking of the word. I feel raging anger build inside me because of this self-imposed limitation.
20:31 – another one, using set phrases is terrible.
21:00 – I find it hard to maintain a constant awareness – I was just talking over the phone and forgot about the work. For that reason, three slaps (can't think of a better word, despite it's… connotations) are applied. The pain is sharp, my wrist is numb now, but it's good, since it will keep me remembering.
21:10 – XXV, CC, bath (With some meditation on Nuit). Hopefully I will manage to pull through this weeks task.
22:00 – Slipped.
23:00 – Got excited, slipped twice. It's funny how I stop watching myself in these 60 minute intervals.
23:05 – Slipped twice. Wrist burns like hell, but I seem to grow accustomed to it. I will move the band higher up my forearm.
23:11 – Slipped.
23:15 – Again. Multitasking is bad.
00:55 – Twice, was typing poetry on Skype.
00:56 – Again, twice.
1:45 – Half-asleep, not really focusing, Two.
2:30 – Two again, I consider these as okay because I trespassed during XXV and CC. One additional hurt for my stupidity.
I am going to sleep. All in all, I inflicted 26 hurts today. A terrible count, but on the other hand this is better than I expected, as I chose a word which is used very often.
9:30 – Just got woken up by my brother, from an extremely vivid and (first slap after sleeping), engagin dream.
9:33 – Slipped. I won't be noting the dream, it has aready become a mess in my mind.
9:41 – One talking to my brother.
9:43 – XXV, saw a pentagram forming about two meters above my head, placed horizontally, spinning counterclockwise and (1 snap), creating a tent-like field around the circle. I am not sure if this is exactly what it is, but I suspect the “vision” to be wrong and (1), the pentagram is actually the unihex. Alternatively, I believe it quite possible for the column to be created from two pentagrams, as is the Unihex.
[picture not attached]
Furthermore, it makes sense to me in the context f invoking both supernal and (1) daemonic forces, in this order, to facilitate growth when one performs the ritual daily, or in a chain-like way.
I expect to be very wrong about this, but it does feel like a revelation regardless. Moreso when one notices how Crowleyused to overtly state these things, veiled in symbolism.
9:58 – 6 slips in the first half hour after waking. My wrist is red from yesterday, but my mind doesn't seem to care. I am starting to doubt my ability to pull this off.
10:00 – CC, Hathor.
10:03 – Drank a glass of sweet tea, an(1), am taking my dog for a walk.
10:05 – 2 While I was walking out. Ouch.
10:45 – 3 while walking my dog an(1) singing along to songs I (supposedly) already know don't contain the word. Woah.
10:51 – 1.
13:14 – 1 – chatting on the Internet.
13:15 – I will be performing divination using the Tarot as the tool, noting any and(1) all feedback.
13:17 – got called out for being a charlatan four times – I am used to this already.
13:23 – 1 – hit myself twice, trying to 'program' myself to be aware.
13:33 – 1 – forgot myself, bad.
14:05 – 1, apparently somebody's hope was raised.
15:54 – 1 – on an online chat.
16:41 – 2 – forgot myself.
16:55 – After talking for a while with a few people [… - Omitted, asana talk, Goetic working ('Paimon'), no slips]
18:27 – 1 – Slipped. I have a nasty habit of beginning sentences with this word.
18:34 – 1.
19:00 – 3 in quick succession, fuck.
19:24 – 1.
19:43 – 1 – while singing along on a walk. I am certain I missed a few others, so I'll add 3 more.
20:04 – Sitting in loose dragon, reading Liber CCC.
[omitted some entries, not relevant]
9:09 – Woke up, XXV, CC
Counting, I failed 29 times yesterday, which is significantly better than the day before, talking time into account.
9:25 – Glass of water, a walk with the dog.
10:55 – 5 times during, one immediatelly after.
12:29, 12:57, 14:05 – one on all occasions.
14:15 – I feel as if I am going insane right now, as if there is a large baloon in my ribcage about to explode.
20:24 – 1 – I almost haven't spoken since the last entry, however I am certain that I slipped a few times in the meantime – I noticed that I become empty-headed when I speak, as if, drunk on the speech awareness level. I think 3 hurts is enough.
An explanation: I say the word just before causing myself pain, so as to keep the action-reaction mechanic of the experiment intact.
20:33 – I began this experiment two days ago (11-07-2012), so I will finish on the 18th, at 20:00 Poland time (GMT+1). Another thing of note: not only am I saying less, but I also see a change in the way I bulid sentences. It feels more 'sophisticated' to me.
-1- no time noted.
21:14 – 1
21:34 – 1, during a rather long, 10 minute conversation. It gets better as I go, it seems.
0:07 – Slipped by accident. I am going to sleep now. I “only” erred 17 times, 12 less than the previous day. This I consider a great result, utterly exceeding my expectations. I do have to admit that I am speaking less with each passing day, or even hour, but this only makes for better insight into my own mind.
00:20 – XXV, CC, Ad.Nu.
9:55 – Woke up, headache, probably because I slept with my window open.
10:00 – XXV, CC, Ad. Nu.
10:58 – 1 – slip while singing along – have to stop doing that.
15:04 – 1.
15:05 – XXV, CC, Ad.Nu – In the meantime, I am studying and (1)memorizing Liber V.
15:27 – Asana, dragon, time: 15:28-35
[omitted, 1 slip while describing]
18:20 – 1
18:35 – 1
19:20 – 2. A glass of vermouth.
20:20 – Walk w/ dog.
23:58 – Vermouth is bad. I entirely forgot myself and (1) didn't count at all, as if I lost my mind. Bad.
I would add 10 or so to the count to compensate, but it may bias the end result. The count is 6 until 20:00.
This is an excellent lesson for me on why all substances should be used sparsely, and (1) in proper ways. [rest omitted]
9:58 – Woke, XXV, CC, Ad.Nu – I feel dried up, like a raisin.
11:38 – In bus, listening to music, going to an O.T.O. meeting about knights and (1) bullpucky.
13:51 – Just finished a 500ml 4.5% beer. No slips so far.
16:15 – Finishing third beer, about 6/10 drunk, trying to avoid speech.
16:58 – Refused free food for some reason.
17:05 – XXV (mentally).
17:36 – Stowing-away on a bus, because of lack of coins – they charge way too much anyway. Not very responsible an action for me, but bloody hell, they're not losing more than the pure profit they made off of me the other way around.
17:41 – saw both 777 and 666 on cars (not licence plates). This feels important.
17:58 – I am clearly beginning to sober up, a good sign. As soon as I get home, I want to eat something, then asana awaits me.
18:23 – The moment I begin singing along to stuff is the one I fail. Harpocrates is what I need.
19:15 – No asana, sleeping attempt instead.
21:42 – Slept a bit – have to get up to drink as my throat dried up. Thining about Liber XXXVI in the context of the O.T.O. IX* secret.
11:00 – Woke at 10:30, a little bit hungover. Not bad at all, though.
12:05 – Just realized that I entirely forgot about the Jugorum work I was doing, 5 for forgetting, and back to it again.
[later comment – by this moment I am breaking up around this issue]
12:16 – Small sip of vermouth, I am going to the store.
12:46 – XXV, CC, Ad.Nu.
13:00 – Are an awesome omelette.
13:28 – 2 – Lost my rubber band somewhere, so I'm pinching and twisting my skin instead.
14:03 – Asana, dragon, had two sips of vermouth just before. Time: 14:05-11
15:04 – 1 – I am starting to feel as if my slip count has not really fallen, but I don't notice the slips any more, much like… being in a weird trance.
15:14 – My assumption is confirmed. I will now stop my Jugorum experiment, and perhaps focus more on my everyday work.